No: a small word with a big impact

Saying No

Your friends invite you round for dinner. What a lovely idea! But you already have so much on today and just need a quiet evening at home to relax. Do you accept or decline?

What stops us saying no?

Various things stop us saying no, including several deep-rooted fears that play a key role in our decision:

1. Fear of disharmony: Saying no and disappointing someone risks triggering disharmony by going against the social norm and letting down their expectations or hopes. Dealing with this poses a challenge for many people, and a reluctant “yes” can often seem like the lesser of two evils. This fear of disharmony is not surprising when you think that even as children, we learn to prioritise other people’s needs over our own. Girls in particular learn that they should be friendly and conform from an early age—and saying no just isn’t an option.
2. Fear of being replaced: Worrying about being replaced makes us say yes even when we actually want to say no. Sometimes it can also feel like we’re not good enough if we turn down a request from a boss or colleague. We are afraid of losing important relationships or even our jobs.
3. Fear of social exclusion: When we decline a request, we are putting our own needs before someone else’s. This makes us scared, as it may be seen by others as selfish and punished by the withdrawal of love, friendship or affection.

These fears are deeply rooted in our evolution. In the Stone Age, if you were expelled from the group, you will have fallen victim to the sabre-toothed tigers. This fear of rejection and withdrawal of love has stayed with us as we have evolved, as those who adapt and are protected by a group have always survived. The fear of rejection and loss is therefore an age-old survival instinct.

There are also modern factors that make us say yes, even though we actually want to say no:

• Lack of energy: We do not have energy for the potential conflict that saying no could trigger and therefore choose the path that causes the least resistance. However, in reality, we are just putting the problem off, because saying yes often involves more work and therefore requires more energy in the long run.
• Perfectionism: People with high expectations of themselves often feel obliged to say yes to everything to be seen as perfect people who can handle anything. It can be difficult to go against this image of yourself. The first step in the right direction is to be aware of your own habits.
• Role conflicts: We all take on different roles in everyday life. We are colleagues and friends, daughters, sons and fellow human beings all at the same time. So sometimes, we might say yes to a request as a friend, but not as a colleague. This can mean that our decision to say yes or no does not come from the heart.

In general, it is important to realise that it is okay to say no. It is an act of self-respect and self-care that ultimately helps us have healthy and authentic relationships.

Always saying yes makes you ill

If we constantly say yes even though we want to say no, it can actually make us ill. We expose ourselves to intense stress, have little time for regeneration, go against our values and neglect our needs. Over the long term, this can have a lasting impact on our health and even lead to depression or burnout.

The benefits of saying no

Respecting your own boundaries may seem difficult at first, especially if you fear rejection or social isolation. But it can be very liberating and empowering to realise that you will not be punished with huge social sanctions when you say no. In doing so, you show yourself that your own needs are important and valued. This not only increases self-esteem, but also improves our mental and physical health. We avoid feeling overburdened and have enough time for our own recovery. This boosts performance and prevents mental and physical overload.

“You cannot live a brave life without disappointing some people.”
– Oprah Winfrey

By consciously recognising and considering your own needs, you teach those around you to do the same. If I take my own needs into account, others will follow suit. A positive side effect of this is that children see us as role models and learn from observation. They notice whether we are saying yes to something because we want to or because we are neglecting our own needs. By clearly saying no, you are not only doing yourself a favour, but also your children. They then learn that it is important and right to listen to their own needs.

You can learn to say no

You might be sat there thinking, “Yeah, yeah, I get that saying no is important, but I just can’t!” Well, here’s the good news: You can learn to say no.

Here are some tips to help you:

1. Ask for some time to reflect: If you are taken by surprise by a request, you may not even know whether you want to say yes or no at first. By saying “I’ll let you know”, you will give yourself a buffer to really get a sense of whether you want to say yes or no after all.
2. Take small steps: Start by saying no in front of the mirror. Try out different phrases and postures to see what you feel most comfortable with. As a next step, you can say no in a real situation that will not have far-reaching consequences.
3. Empower your healthy ego: Putting your own needs before the needs of others feels selfish at first, but it’s a healthy kind of selfishness! It helps you ration your energy and stay healthy.
4. Consider what saying yes will cost you: Work out how much time you will lose if you say yes. You won’t get that time back. So make sure you spend it on things that are worth your time.
5. Explain why you’re saying no: Of course, you don’t have to justify yourself, but explaining why can make the situation more bearable for you and show the other person that it’s not their fault, but the circumstances.
6. Deal with the tension: When you say no, you have to deal with the other person’s reaction. This is a major challenge, especially for those who crave harmony. But you can be proud of the fact that you have recognised and stood up for your own needs. It gets easier with time and just takes some practice.
7. Reward yourself: Reward yourself when you decide to say no. Use the time or energy you have saved to do something you enjoy—or simply do nothing, which is good for you too.
8. Extra tip: If you still find it difficult to stand up for your own needs, think about what you would say to your best friend in that situation. Would you force them to say yes and overlook their own needs, or would you encourage them to stay true to themselves?

Conclusion

When you start to stand up for your needs and set boundaries, it may come as a surprise to those around you at first. They may have to get used to the fact that you no longer say yes to everything and anything. However, people who respect you will support you and quickly get used to the new situation. And if you know anyone who has trouble saying no or taking no for an answer, then send them this article!

References:
Nein sagen: So klappt es. (n.d.). [Video]. We, myself & why. https://www.srf.ch/play/tv/-/video/-?urn=urn:srf:video:ee8d2591-400e-4c49-b39f-cf844fb3e0b5
Gegen Stress – Nein sagen lernen: So geht’s. (23 January 2023). Schweizer Radio und Fernsehen (SRF). https://www.srf.ch/radio-srf-3/gegen-stress-nein-sagen-lernen-so-geht-s
Nein sagen lernen – ohne Angst. (10 March 2023). www.emotion.de. https://www.emotion.de/psychologie-partnerschaft/persoenlichkeit/nein-sagen-lernen